boxcar_saviour

I could be in a sweaty room right now with 1500 other people getting reading to be bathed in a few hours of blissful euphoria courtesy of Dave Seaman, but I'm not.

Stepping back from things has allowed me to see things in a new light. The few friends I've got, the few friends I've lost. The good things, the bad things. I want nothing more right now being with the people I love doing what I love. Like when i was away, and my brother pointed out to me some of the things that I'd lost. Mainly people.

I know who I am though, i know what I want and I know what makes me happy. I know what gives me a reason to put up with all the negatives. It's pretty fucking simple...like for one, dancing makes me happy. Dancing all night without inhibitions, without anyone telling me I'm going to hard, that people are staring at me. Just with my favourite music, my favourite people.

I feel that my flirtation with the dance 'scene' has left me isolated. I wanted to see things froma different perspective and I did it alone. I've been to fucking dozens of raves, club nights, events all on my own. People who say its all about the drugs, that shit pisses me off so bad. But I don't give a fuck. I've been called a faggot all my life, obviously what other people say doesn't mean shit to me. But I went on my own, searching for something special. At times I got close but mainly I just felt lonely. I made a few new friends but no one I could exactly cling to. I wanted to try something different out, and I got to, but it was so lonely at times, and i had no one to talk to, no onwe who got what I was trying to do. It all sounds so trivial but i just wanted something to make it all worthwhile, and I feel like I've failed.

Yet again I'm left alone. I wanted to belong to something larger, to have a place. To meet like minded people. People who would let me be me without any judgement. I just want something that allows me to be me, but which doesn't result in total isolation and fear. I'm way too old to hide anymore, and the places to hide have run out.

I don't know what to do to make it better. I've tried.

I'm sick of looking to the future and imagining how great it's gonna be in order to deal with the present, and I've buried the past...

When people ask me simple questions like, 'who are you going with?' I LIE, even to my parents cause I don't want them to know the truth. That I'm the same as I was, the same as what I was meant to get over.

I couldn't do it again, not tonight...and the alternative is being at home on a saturday night writing a blog for fucks sake. But i couldn't bear the long drive up alone, buying a beer so i had something to do, making it last as long as it could so it looked like I was doing something. Then when someone asks me who I'm here with i tell them that my friends are all dancing...Then we have a superficial conversation that i cherish until there real friends take them away. But the music keeps me warm, and by 3am no one cares, I dance on my own with my eyes closed thinking about how great it could be tomorrow, next week, next year...but then the music stops and I have to drive home.

I can no longer pretend to be something better than what I am.

I have to come to terms with this, with me.

That this is how its always going to be, this is who I'm always going to be.

Summerfieldayze was well cool.

Drank beers, met cool people, danced all day and night, ate dodgy curry, got surprisingly wasted, freaked people out, got freaked out, talked shit, listened to a lot of shit, watched Larissa descend into utter madness, smoked blunts, sang along to songs I barely knew, laughed at everything, sent random sms's, met famous people, made people happy with random acts of kindness and generosity, heard cool old songs, heard cool current songs, heard cool songs that haven't been released yet, got lost, got found, lost people, found people, danced some more...

Overall it was so much fun, and surprisingly relaxing.
Everyone was really friendly and fun, not too much bullshit.

Music makes everything so beautiful...my life has such a kick-ass soundtrack!

yesohyesohyes

As suggested by the title, on Saturday 3rd December we are, indeed, having a party!!!!

The reasons are numerous, primarily I suppose it is to 'celebrate' Larissa turning 24 (yes, I too think that is way fucking old), however there are other things beckoning that will have me preparing to get bruised and battered...

-finished uni for the year, which means only one more and my 5 year educational journey will be complete
- to welcome summer!!!!!!!!
- just to add to the bender I'll be having that weekend given that one of my favourite artists in the world will be tearing apart Platinum sunday night, who? None other than the man himself, Sasha.
- also, somewhat sadly, it will be our last official blowout before I move back home, due to crippling financial issues. Given this, and that we thus far have a clean slate, I don't care how hard we fuck shit up and make the neighbours hate me! (They're ugly anyway, so who gives a fuck)

There is a theme, but it requires no real effort on your part. Inapired by Laguna Beach we too are having a Fiesta, Mexican style!
Which means dodgy Sangria, lethal tequila and soothing Corana's with zesty limes, plus a super-classy tapas menu.

We will be putting in some effort in terms of decore, it all depends on what I can find in my parents garage and The Warehouse.

Needless to say the tunes will be top class...deep coked up hip hop, mashed up house, and sext up guitar music that makes you wanna buy some leather pants and get a pet snake you'll use to seduce random lovers.

Probably head out after, I'm keen on elsewhere but it doesn't really matter as I'll hopefully be too tanked to notice.

EVERYONE is invited, even if you only vaguely know me come and enjoy some Gold Coast hospitality and steal some shit.

DETAILS:
Saturday 3rd December, 8ish to 12ish (depending on whether we go out)
Bring...drinks appropriate for a Fiesta
Can you stay over...of course! We have plenty of room!
Address: We live in a rather large complex at Nobbies Beach on the Gold Coast HW, msg me (0409144956) and I'll give you the details.

Please come and celebrate the beginning of what is sure to be another hazy crazy summer, oh yes, your coming of age experience begins here...

Platinum tonight, yes indeedy!
Just finished 5 weeks of prac, didn't think I'd make it.

Corona's and champagne it is!
Sunnies at night time of course!
Chav tastique polo, of course!
Nasty sexy denim, uh huh

Drunkeness I'll regret till next weekend...guaranteed

John Digweed was the best night ever.
Danced and danced and danced
Every tune was better than the last one, finishing with a massive orgasmic climax
Awesome crowd, such friendly people...

Taste of Chaos was fucking aweful
The bands were ok but the venue, all those cunt security guys, and the sound ruined it for me.
It was like listening to an AM radio at about 100dB
Bass was too big and muddy, no midrange and the high end was all screechy, it was like they hadn't engineered the system at all.
I'm never going to the Entertainment Centre again!

It was fun watching people dance to Killswitch tho, highlight of the night for me.

Went out last night and it was super cool, but I felt lonely...
Was SO tempted to go to elsewhere and have a big one, definately for the best I didn't.
Still drank an aweful lot, got a killer hangover today, coupled with sunburn...

Might go to Platinum on friday for the Mashed tour.
Chav central for sure but it'll be cool for a laugh.

So fucking over so fucking much. Can't wait for school to be over so I can live it up in the pool all day, drinking bacardi lime & soda's until my head caves in.

No one seems to talk to me anymore, cept for Mum and Dad, that makes me sad. But I know it'll be ok.

inthemix out me on the door at family for John Digweed saturday night, +1!
Lucky cause I promised Chris I'd buy him a ticket when I could no way afford it.
Listening to a Radio 1 mix right now, hence bored random post.
It's super.
Deep techy house, just like this...

1. Hell - Je Regrette Everything
2. Yoshimoto - do what u do to me (trentemoller mix)
3. Chab - Closer to me (John Digweed Nick Muir Remix)
4. Soul Mekanik -270581
5. Humate - Breed (Summer of 89 mix)
6. unknown

Nice and smooth and floorfilling, around 130bpm max.
Over hard dance, don't have to be wasted to get into prog.
Prog's sexy too, so hot girls dance all sex-like to it.
I like people who smile when they dance, I giggle cause I look so rediculous.

I might go to Officeworks tonight, just to hang out. Cause when I see the sad fucks that work there I feel a lot better about my own shit.
Actually I need to make up some OHT's for my class tomorrow. My class is so rad...all of them are super cool. Kinda forget that I'm meant to be some kind of authority figure. I could never be a hard assed teacher though, way too much work.

I've had this download on 99.6% for like two days...why won't this asshole get the fuck back on his computer? 0.4%, that's like 10 seconds of music!
Taste of Chaos is next friday. MOSH, yay 4 me.

I gotta go get Larissa.
byebye

I'm going to John Digweed at family on saturday night.
(Yes, now it is 100% confirmed)
Hopefully this will cheer me up...
Cause I haven't been this sad for this long in so long.
I can't wait to wake up with a smile on my face.

4 days off uni and I am so fucking bored! Was meant to visit my prac school this week but they don't really like me. I've decided teaching is too boring for me anyway, after 3 years of the course! May as well finish though, a back-up for when my plans of world domination collapse in on themselves.

Bought some clothes this week. My pending trip to family required some fresh attire. This rad Flux tee from Platinum and some new Lee's. Not too sure about the jeans, they fit good but. I got a hair cut too, the boys at Rodney Wayne are so nice to me, mainly cause they feel kinda sorry for me. But I'll take pity any day!

Going to see Kiss Chasey and Braxton at Coolangatta tonight. So fucking ghetto. I'll probably get beaten to death with a pool cue cause I don't drink XXXX.

Going to see BoyvsGirl early tommorrow evening at the Lions Den. Never seen them before so I'm looking forward to it.

But but but then its all Godskitchen. So so excited. Gabriel&Dresedn and Above&Beyond! Oh my, two of my favourite acts on the one night. Sure to be a blinder, guaranteed to be a large evening. Haven't been to family since Cosmic Gate which was a totally fucked night, hoping they turn it on in a big way. Gods was such a blinder last year, gonna be so much better this year though. 8 hours of trance-induced orgasmic ecstacy. hmmmmmmm.

Work is great.

So confused about everything. For the first time since I was like 16 I'm feeling ambitious. I only chose teaching cause I freaked out and wanted a stable career, but now I really want to DO something. Teaching is rad but its so limited, its not really about teaching for discovery but teaching so students can get the marks that will get them into uni. Reading about constructivism has opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at things. There really isn't any limitations to anything at all. One can only find the answers that are unique to them by searching for them themselves. What if my answers are waiting for me in a cave in Nepal? And I'm just sitting here rotting away.

Boy, was I ever off my face last night...

Thanks for laughing with me Kyle, I've never ever laughed that hard.

I quite Pizza Hut after 5 years and 2 months.

Uni is hard but it feels good doing something rather than getting out of bed to watch Seinfeld at 10:02am on TV1+2.

Does anyone wanna buy me a 4wheeler motorbike, so I can cruise around like Eve and Gwen Steffani.

Larissa blows...my mind.

I get butterflies in my tummy whenever I see this flyer...
################hold me, embrace me, as the rush comes####################################

All set to be my first night out since Splendour.

Oh gosh, the dance I shall dance...

Finally posting a couple of pictures from Splendour, but my camera shat itself sometime on Sunday and I was too pissed, or absorbed in the 'splendour' of it all to be fuct taking photo's anyway. So much fun, so many funnys. Bloc Party, Interpol, Finn Bros and my vegetarian comrade Moby all totally killed it. Had the best time hanging out, drinking booze, and eating a shit load of toast. Wish my life could be a non-stop chilllllaxxxxed bender. Yes yes, i live for weekends like that. Next up: Earthcore...



BOOOOOOZE





Larissa pressured Lisa into her 1st EVA drink



During a 30 minute spurt, Kyle magically consumed everything edible, or partially edible in site...then we hit up a bucket of random pistacio nuts.



xoxoxoxoxoxox



Breakfasts in vegas... ...you wouldn't believe how messy it all got a few hours after this...



Eyes



Seriously, seriously embarassing level of intoxication...that only got worse...thankfully I was unable to work out how to use a camera by then.


Yeah, so it was the best weekend eva, just like last year. Everything was just so cool and relaxed...from mine and Lisa's dance fest on thursday night to Kyle admitting how much he loved everything SO much, like you can't understand, oh I WISH i COULD explain this feeling, you know like really explain just how perfect, oh man i love this song, gotta call someone, fuck I'm hungry, and thirsty, so does that make me thurgy?????????? late sunday. Life can be so amazing sometimes.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOR YESTERDAY















yesyesyes

Larissa and I moved out with Mark and Sophie into the most luxurious and soul-less villa this side of some English holiday destination in southern Spain...me geographical knowledge fails me...I'd really like to go to Morroco sometime...

But our lil house is heaps good, just got Austar and Broadband, and today I potted a plant, which was given to us as a housewarming present. The party for said housewarming was on saturday, I didn't invite anyone except for some guy from work I'd known for a couple of hours, he didn't show...It was a blast I suppose, some neat people turned up (yes [your name here], I'm talking about you) I got tanked and realised after a bottle of red wine why it was that I stopped (binge) drinking...was just about to make it a big one when I passed out. We played charades and listen to a few killer mixes of mine.

If anyone reading this ever wants to come over or needs somewhere on the Gold Coast to sleep after getting ripped and dancing on the beach with a 14 year old dealer, call me. We have a spare room with a bed. Amazing as it is, I miss some of the people I never see.

I want to have a dinner party soon, do a killer red and black decore and cook some yummers food, and eat expensive cheese and get dressed up and drink stupidly expensive wine and listen to progressive house cause it makes everyone feel intelligent and sophisticated, and I do consider myself quite the sophisticate. I don't really but I just wanted to write sophisticate.

Going to Splendour soon. FUCK!!!!!!! So super super excited. Going down thursday and riding a cloud home Monday. Gonna be all goodness, like fresh orange juice in the morning. So many bands I just can't wait to see...and Moby closing on Sunday will be farkin epic, cause we're both vegetarians and all. Bloc Party, Futureheads, Interpol, Finn Brothers, Har Mar Superstar, Mercury Rev, Doves, Ryan Adams - my heart skips a beat just contemplating it. Plus the unbeatable juicyness of the tipi circle and the sexiest lounge bar outside of New York...my oh my. Worth maxing out my MasterCard fo' sure.

Erm, I'm going to Terminal Nine, Ekka holiday at the River Stage...Mix Master Mike is headlining, so fuck who wouldn't be there. Also some siiiiiiiiik NZ dnb and dub...they'll be feelin da bass in Jamaica.



peace

Went to Slinky vs GU on Saturday night...wow...

Had one of the mostest funnest nights ever...dancing like a nutter with a bunch of other nutters...

Hung with so many people, all totally mad and so so fucking up for it. Coolest vibe, everyone had there party shoes on.

So much funny shit...had too many drunk convos with punters about all sorts of wierd shit.

Heard the best tunes all night, UK lads always play such juicyness.

After having such a blinder I'm seriously contemplating Mayhem now, not really into hardcore but they've got a trance room and all the top locals are hitting it so it'll be fun for sure, and I know Elemance will play a couple just for me...

Funfunfun

Splendour is not too far away at all!
So can't fucking wait...much shenanigans are guaranteed.
Gonna be hitting the champagne ALL weekend + cocktail bar + much twistedness in the teepee circle.

Bye

I went to ReAnimator saturday night.
I got drunk and danced by myself for hours and hours...
John '00' Flemming is cool. He played heaps of his own tracks, as well as heaps of Infected Mushroom and trax from Chemical Bros and Faithless...it was nice to get just what I wanted.
Uni is hard
Work is hard
I'm really fucking tired, starting to feel real exhausted.
Getting a Splendour ticket the day they come on sale.

You make me feel so safe.

Bloc Party are good. "silent alarm" is a great album. If I danced more I would be happier.

Bright Eyes was an impossibly good show. I laughed, I cried during Lua, I danced just a little, kissed a little more, and had my ears battered by some of the best music they've had vibrate down their spirally selves. And I only had a beer and a vodka and orange.

Saturday night in Brisbane is starting to look like fun. Worthy of a tie...

I'm working lots and lots.

This girl at work dated a Carni...she is yet to divulge any secrets but I'll wear her down with my poor attempt at charm.

I like to suffer the effects of substance abuse.

John '00' Flemming is playing at ReAnimator April 16.
That makes me happy and excited.
Not so surprisingly I'll have no one to go with but that is not really an issue of concern.
If you're curious about what a Rave entails, then come with me. Dancing makes me happy.

If it's really not your thing, like you hate; dance music, drugs, or just me, that's fine too. Then you won't come and that evening you won't even know I'm out.

I suppose chances are I'll rock up by myself and run into the same old school, party, uni crews I always see out, I'll promise to call them but won't talk to them until next time I'm out. But I think I'll msg James B cause it would make a total asshole of me if I didn't.

You won't read this but it doesn't matttttttter.

Can't wait to be

I wish I knew.
Cause everyday kills me.
I'm so fucking sick and I hate it...and whenever I think I'm getting better I fall back down.
Noone knows. I can't tell Mum and Dad anymore cause now I can see how sad it makes them. They've done everything for me and this is how I repay them. I wish I could go back and changed what happened. Choose a different path. I'm always so sorry. But I hate feeling sorry. I know now that there isn't an end to this. But it is too hard trying to live a normal life. I'm tired of fighting myself. I'm so tired of trying to fight back. It's so pathetic to watch from the inside.

Thanks to those of you who made it saturday...it was fun hanging out and drinking about 500 daquiri's. Kinda sad that some people couldn't make it but these things happen. Thanks for the bbq Mark and Kyle!

Infected Msuhroom are one of the best bands I've ever seen...driving psy-trance with Zepplin like guitar riffage blowing the roof off!!! It was so farkin hot though, so much so that I had to join about 90% of the lads and some of the girls and go top-less. yay for naked hippies.

But just before 3 liquor licensing came in with police support and tried to shut the show down cause it was too loud, even tho there hadn't been any noise complaints. It looked like the show was over but then the promoter paid the fine, the cops left and IM came back on and went hard till 4. Liquor Licensing is getting way out of control...they turned off the PA while the band was still on stage!

Met up with James & James, old room mates from boarding school. Nice people...Being in a crowd fullof hippy types made me want to jump in a van with them and head back to the hills...cept they smelt funny.